My head is a house

My head is a house. It is quaint and simple. There are a few rooms, comfortable, clean.
I don’t know how to cook so well so there’s some takeout strewn around here and there. A couple rooms full of boxes with useless information collecting dust. I hoard them in the hope of finding a hidden gem once in a while. Uncut. No skeletons in the closet per se.

But there is a room. A room where the lights are never on. Curtains always pulled, windows never open, sunlight afraid to creep in. Always dark. A corner of the house I like to avoid. A place never mentioned when guests arrive, though they must sense something because they rarely stay over.

Someone lives inside that room. I think it is me.

Sometimes, especially during the night, he’ll come out and take me inside. Like a slave, I have to follow. There is no other choice. Even if there were, I wouldn’t be able to resist.

I never really know what its going to be like in there. I know I don’t like it.

Sometimes I have to spend the night. I tell myself the other me is too scared to sleep alone. That’s a lie. I’m the one who’s afraid.

I used to think I would do anything to get out of that place. Maybe even leave the house, find some place else, I don’t know. But now I don’t think so. I can’t get rid of it. Its a part of the house. Without it, the house wouldn’t be what it is.

Every once in a while, I’ll see him in the living room, on the couch, watching cartoons. I’ll smile. He never smiles back. I’ve gotten used to it.

Part 3: Gratitude

once upon a time
when i was a kid flying high
i was left feeling used
and abused and ignored
little me blamed me
said i made her feel bored
prolly was my fault
woke up with a jolt, 

felt like i was just an option
prolly even the last one

stuck in the middle of a riddle
played like a fiddle
playing hide and seek, 
never found, still hidden

But I’ve changed, I’ve figured it out, its all a game
It’s been a while, and now I’m back with no shame

If you think what I’m doing is wrong
Take a step back, I know it’s been long
At least make it till the end, just pretend
To be happy
I’ve written you a song.

Don’t be so down
No need to frown
Take some time,
Take a look around
At how the mighty have fallen
Now that you’ve hit rock bottom
Acting all oppressed & downtrodden
I don’t believe you,
Okay, mhmm
Sounds like something you’d do

Used to be feeling obsessed
Thought I was depressed
But now that the tables have turned
Can’t help but laugh, so fuck off
And take your concern and return
Keep whatever that’s left
Don’t be so upset
Remember,
I don’t forgive nor forget.

 

M.

your touch seems so cold its got me sweating
your skin got my throat dry, breath heavy, head spinning
your flesh fits my face like a stand up bass
writhing like a fish out of water, I
can’t keep up pace
gushing like a faucet
electric like a socket
she winning credits like she saving up for her fixed deposit
how you do that wild thing
legs spread like she playing shaolin
hand up on my chin
didn’t even ask me how i’ve been
moaning like a violin
rushing, dragging we are not a thing
how’d this all begin
i wish it never ends
silent bliss
running to play apocalypse
no room for one more kiss
nothing more to give
its never gonna be like this

My Dear ‘Code’

I won’t tell you
How much you annoy me
Or that you make me want to
Pull my hair apart
And make my eyes burn
And refuse to work too many times
And ignore my comments all the time
You already know that, don’t you?

I should say this more often
That you are the key
That turns my ideas to reality
My imaginations to creations
With you by my side
Every sleepless night
Has never felt so right
My heartbeat’s racing
With your every ending
Semicolon, starting
Four spaces
Correct indentation
Paired curly braces
And proper documentation

When I first saw you in 8th class
In that Computer lab at 12 o’clock
You were just drag and drop
Now you’re a little high maintenance
But as Chandler did too
I like maintaining you
And just like Jim
I have never doubted for a second
That you’re the one I want to spend
The rest of my life with

 

Written as a part of the event ‘My Dear X’ by LitSoc.

Catharsis

why can’t I seem to fight
this constant feeling of fight
or flight
i’m trying with all my might

no its not your fault
no its not my pride
but that’s what you thought
that’s how you replied
i don’t want to lose you
not another one, 
not again
i’ve been to the depths
every trip i have
every drag i take
hits the same
full of pain
i can’t maintain
i got memories i don’t ever wanna see
i don’t want to hear
i tell myself this happens with the ones you love the most
the ones who care
with whom you share

see i know who you are
i know just what to say
i don’t know why i can’t 
its embarrassing
i’m embarrassing i’m immature i’m selfish i’m an asshole i’m a pussy ass bitch faggot motherfucker 
i know
i know

but you went cold on me. 

On Some Days

On some days
It is easy to be happy
It keeps coming to me
On some days
It gets difficult
I pretend that I am happy
I almost fool myself as well
On some days
I want to cry
I am tired and exhausted
On some days
Life is hard
And I want to give up
But I don’t
Because on some days
We become
A little more than friends
And on those days
You tell me that
You love me
And for that moment
Everything seems easy
Every dream comes true
And I wish I could stop but
Everything falls, and I fall for you

the most beautiful face

i guess the reason it hurts this much is
i lost happiness in that same place
the only place i ever found it
i did not know that the face
that once helped me sleep
could get stuck at a distance
and look down on me as i weep
through the nights that came
and took away
the only thing i ever wanted
i wish i had a tighter grip
on the key buried in sand
i try to reach it
but it can’t
be found
just like the sun
in my forgotten
happy place
where i keep locked away
the most beautiful face

Obscure Sorrow

She taps on my car’s window
Asks me to roll the glass low
I recognize that action
She begs for money for today’s ration

Her clothes are most shabby
Even her hair look almost rusty
But she still looks full of grace
Maybe it is the dust on her face

Her eyes are dry though
The moisture’s long gone
She’s lifeless and cannot be saved
Her childhood’s long gone

I want to help her
She looks like she’s starving
I want to help her
She may even be dying

But I still ignore her
Because that’s what I’ve been taught
She moves on,
Taps on the next car’s window
Because that’s what she’s been taught